Flow, Disruption and Repair - Recognising the Natural Rhythm of Relationships

When we’re young, many of us grow up believing that healthy relationships should feel easy - always connected, always flowing, always harmonious. No one teaches us that all relationships naturally move through three states: connection, disconnection and repair. And because we’re not taught this, many couples panic when the flow breaks, assuming something is wrong rather than recognising a normal relational rhythm.

As Terry Real (a renowned couples therapist and founder of Relational Life Therapy) describes, relationships are living systems that constantly shift between these states. Understanding this rhythm helps couples feel less afraid of conflict and more empowered to reconnect.

1. Connection: The Flow State

Connection is the state most people imagine when they think of a “good relationship.” It’s when partners feel attuned, supported and emotionally safe. Communication feels easier. There’s warmth, humour and a sense of being on the same team.

Signs of connection include:

• Feeling relaxed and open around each other

• Small acts of kindness happening naturally

• Curiosity instead of defensiveness

• A sense of “we’re okay”

This state is beautiful - but it’s not meant to be constant. No couple stays here all the time.

2. Disconnection: The Disruption

Disconnection happens for countless reasons: stress, misunderstandings, old wounds, exhaustion or simply being human. A disruption doesn’t mean the relationship is failing, it means something needs attention.

Signs of disconnection include:

• Feeling tense or easily irritated

• Withdrawing or shutting down

• Feeling criticised or misunderstood

• Repeating the same argument

• Emotional distance

Because we’re not taught that disconnection is normal, many couples interpret it as danger. But it’s simply a signal - a moment inviting awareness, care and repair.

3. Repair: The Bridge Back to Each Other

Repair is the third state - and the one most of us were never taught. It’s the process of turning back toward each other with softness, accountability and care.

Repair can look like:

• “I think we got off track. Can we try again?”

• “I’m feeling overwhelmed - can we slow this down?”

• “I care about us. Let’s reconnect.”

• A gentle tone, a soft touch, or a warm gesture

Healthy couples aren’t the ones who never rupture - they’re the ones who repair early and often. Repair builds trust, emotional safety and resilience. It teaches partners that even when they lose each other, they can find their way back.

Why This Rhythm Matters

When couples understand that relationships naturally cycle through connection → disconnection → repair, they stop seeing conflict as a sign of failure. Instead, they see it as part of the work of loving someone - an opportunity to understand each other more deeply and strengthen the bond.

This shift reduces shame, fear and reactivity. It helps partners stay grounded, compassionate and hopeful, even in difficult moments.